CHEMISTRY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Your guide to the five kinds of chemistry in relationships

By Jonathan Small

Pretty much all of us know what someone’s talking about when they say, “Hey, I was on a date, and — wow — we had incredible chemistry.” In a nutshell, that means that these two people felt such a strong attraction to each other that they couldn’t wait to get somewhere, ahem, a little more private, right? Sure, that may be the most traditional kind of chemistry, but it’s hardly the only type. According to experts, that earth-moving, spark-flying phenomenon can assume many forms. To help you sort through all those crazy feelings you may have for someone, we’ve described five of the most common types of attraction you can experience. Recognizing and savoring all of them can lead to a fantastic, long-lasting relationship.

Type #1: Physical chemistry
This is the most common type of chemistry, but it’s also the most misunderstood. After all, pretty much everyone’s made the mistake of confusing physical attraction with love. Is there a way to differentiate one feeling from the other? Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, explains it this way: “Lust is basically the craving for sexual gratification,” she says. “It generally dissipates after the act and returns hours or days later. You can feel it for several different people at the same time, and you don’t necessarily feel ‘possessive’ or jealous. But when you’re in love, you are very possessive.”

Related: Does chemistry equal relationship compatibility?
No one is saying that sexual chemistry is evil or that you should necessarily hold out for something deeper to develop. Nor should you fret if you feel like lust is all you have in common with someone at first. According to Dr. Fisher, sleeping with someone can trigger a peak in the feel-good chemical dopamine — which, over time, can produce genuine, bonafide feelings of love. Hang in there, and it just may happen!

Type #2: We’re-so-comfortable chemistry
Have you ever been with a man who finishes your sentences or a woman who’s so easy to talk to that you feel like you can be totally unguarded around her? Welcome to comfort chemistry — that effortless rapport and connection that can exist between two people. “People who share this chemistry often feel like they’re a unit,” says Harry Reis, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “When they talk to each other, they almost feel like they’re talking to themselves.” Worried that all this familiarity makes you better friends than lovers? Never fear, simpatico feelings can often lead to lust later. “When you fall in love, the elevated activity of dopamine can affect levels of testosterone and trigger a heightened libido,” explains Fisher. Translation: You two may become passionate partners in no time!

Related: Do you two have chemistry?

Type #3: We-laugh-like-crazy-together chemistry
Ask someone to give you a wish list of what they look for in a mate, and humor almost always appears near the top of the list. “Everybody likes to laugh,” says Kate M. Wachs, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. “We’re all looking for a mate that helps us have fun.” Researchers have even found that laughing together increases how attractive people look to each other. So, don’t automatically relegate jokers to the role of “great to invite to a party.” Where there’s laughter, long-term love can follow: Just think how much easier it’ll be to get through all those rocky points that every relationship has sooner or later.

Type #4: We’re-so-complementary chemistry
While it’s important for us to find a mate who shares our values, we’re also attracted to those who are different from us. “We like complementary personalities who accentuate our good parts and mask our flaws,” says Dr. Fisher. For example, a sexy fashion model might have real chemistry with a nerdy mathematician — and vice versa. Why? She makes him feel sexy, and he makes her feel smart. Same goes for the antisocial type who marries a people person. We’re drawn to those who make us feel like better and more well-rounded people. The famous line in Jerry Maguire (“You complete me”) is a perfect example of complementary chemistry in action.

Related: Get a great relationship in just 6 seconds

Type #5: We-have-so-much-in-common chemistry
As anyone who has ever searched profiles on Match.com knows, finding common interests with your potential mate is a huge plus — whether that’s a penchant to cruise flea markets for that one-of-a-kind antique, or a love of camping deep in the wilderness. “We tend to gravitate towards people who share similar interests as us,” Dr. Fisher says. Not only does doing so make spending time together insanely easy, but sharing an activity you both enjoy allows you to get to know each other in a low-pressure environment. Plus, just think of what a bonding experience it would be if you both scaled those waterfalls at Yosemite together! These touchstones can become the foundation for a lot of fond memories — and a solid relationship.

Now that you know the five types of chemistry, be on the lookout to experience them all. Even if you don’t feel that “lightning has struck!” sensation when meeting someone, you two still might have excellent chemistry, if it’s given time to grow.

Jonathan Small is a Los Angeles-based writer who’s written for Glamour and other publications.

MARITAL HAPPINESS: WOMEN CONTROL

Wives Are in Control When It Comes to Marital Happiness

 

---Happy wives make for happy marriages. When it comes to marital satisfaction, it turns out women are in the driver’s seat.

---A new study from researchers at the University of California, Berkeley looked at the interactions of more than 80 middle-aged and older heterosexual couples, focusing on how they recovered from disagreements. Those in marriages in which the wives calmed down quickly during an argument were found to be the happiest. What’s more, those same marriages were shown to be happiest in the long run too.

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 ---According to Lian Bloch, lead author of the study and assistant professor at the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology-Stanford Psy.D. Consortium at Palo Alto University, even when both men and women were good at calming down during a disagreement, the emotional outcome of the fight was determined by how the wife was feeling, which, in part, might stem from long-held gender beliefs “Cultural stereotypes of women as the emotional center of marriage — and men as emotional dummies — led couples in this study to be more attuned to the wife’s emotional regulation, and that, in turn, is what is feeding both spouses' perceptions of marital quality,” Bloch tells Yahoo Shine. Translation: If the wife is happy, so is her husband, and as a result, so is the marriage. But, explains Bloch, this outcome may be generational. “It’s an interesting nuance to see what would happen if we did this study with younger couples,” she says. “As our cultural stereotypes about gender and emotion evolve, we might move away from this model that women are the emotional center of the marriage."



---Regardless of a couple’s age, Bloch says that an important part of resolving conflict is being able to step back and take stock during a disagreement. “You don’t have to have an anger-free marriage to have a happy marriage,” she says. “By calming down emotionally instead of being caught up in the negative hot spots, couples are able to think and communicate solutions more clearly and this drives marital satisfaction.”
---And, of course, communication is key for happy couples, says Teri Orbuch, PhD., professor of sociology at Oakland University, research professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, and a certified family and marriage and family therapist. “Wives are more bothered by conflict than husbands are, and it causes more distress to them and has ramifications for their long-term marital happiness,” Orbuch tells Yahoo Shine. Her advice? Go to bed mad. “We have all heard the opposite. But the reality is that nighttime, when we're tired and stressed out, is a terrible time to fight,” she says. “Wait until the light of day when you both have had some sleep. That way, you won't end up saying things you'll regret.”

MAN APOLOGIZES AFTER 35 YEARS - FACEBOOK

Mugger apologizes to victim on Facebook — 35 years later

 

Here's a heartwarming tale of forgiveness via Facebook, just in time for the holiday season.

A man who mugged a stranger outside New York's American Museum of Natural History in the late 1970s has apologized to his victim after accidentally finding him on Facebook — 35 years later.

Last month, Michael Goodman, 53, was browsing a Facebook post about the closing of H&H Bagels, a popular New York City bagel chain, when he saw Claude Soffel, his mugging victim, among the commenters. Goodman, who now lives in Hilo, Hawaii, decided to publicly apologize — in the comments section.

"You may not remember this," Goodman wrote on Nov. 19, "but a long, long time ago I walked up the steps of The Museum of Natural History one afternoon, trying to look like a tough guy.

“I have never forgotten the incident or your name (it has sort of haunted me a bit throughout my life) [and] then here I am … reading about my favorite bagel store in the world closing down, and [whose] name do I see but yours,” he continued. “Finally I can say — I’M VERY SORRY that you had to go through that crap that day long ago. I wish it had never happened but it did."

Soffel, now a 52-year-old life coach in Sag Harbor, N.Y., wrote back accepting Goodman's apology.

“Clearly you’re a ‘bigger man’ today,” Soffel replied. “Memory is a funny thing. I recognize your name now as well. Any man who draws a line for himself [and says] ‘Today I step forward for myself, my family, and humanity’ is a hero to me. So let us now, jointly, put this in its proper place, behind us.”

Goodman and Soffel did not immediately return requests for comment.

But Goodman told the New York Post that he mugged Soffel to "impress a classmate who didn’t believe I was in a graffiti gang."

“I went up to him and said, ‘Where’s your bus pass?’ The cops immediately pulled out badges and arrested me,” Goodman recalled. “I told this story throughout my life. I felt so bad about it.”

Goodman said he was sentenced to three weeks of community service, but never had a chance to apologize to Soffel — until now.

“A very large weight has been lifted off my shoulder,” he said. “I feel peace and dare I say joy. I’m even happier this is bringing joy to other people.”

SIGNAL ALERTS!

Boy's tornado warnings helped save family

When 6-year-old Brevin Hunter heard the tornado siren begin to wail out its warnings, he knew exactly what to do: Put his video game down and head to the basement.

More challenging was convincing his family that he was right.

"Please, Mom. This is what they teach us in school. When you hear the siren, you need to go somewhere safe," Brevin told his mom, Lisa, according to the Chicago Tribune. But when Lisa Hunter looked outside, she saw that the skies looked calm. She thought it was a drill.

Fortunately Brevin kept on bugging, and mom eventually listened. She, Brevin, 11-year-old Brody and an aunt went down to the basement with a futon mattress to play it safe. Roughly 10 minutes later, the tornado hit the family's home.

In the tornado's aftermath, Lisa Hunter praised her son for saving their lives. "There's no way I would have gone if he hadn't kept nagging me," she told the Chicago Tribune.

The family is staying at an emergency shelter at the Crossroads Methodist Church in Washington, Ill.

Lucinda Gresham, a nurse volunteering at the church, praised Brevin's actions. "They are alive today because of that boy," she told the Chicago Tribune.

The Weather Channel has reported that the tornado that hit Washington is believed to have had winds between 166 and 200 miles per hour.

Brevin will be honored for his quick thinking by Illinois Governor Pat Quinn, according to WGN.

The PENTATONIX - Evolution of Music

 The PENTATONIX

They are school friends and technical geniuses who love to make music anywhere from airport security to laying around on the couch.
Now with their songs on the radio and on the top of the music charts, above Katy Perry and Celine Dion, they never forget to be grateful. They make music for the people who believed in them, they’re doing it for parents who sacrificed so much for them through illness and financial struggles.

Right now there’s no stopping the unlikely superstars who believe that music can give you strength. According to member Avi Kaplan, “That’s like, one of the most unbelievable gifts you can give somebody, is give them peace.”

BEFRIENDED: (David + Goliath)

Pay It Forward

 

Parents Pay it Forward with Pumpkin Spice Lattes

 

By Ellen's Good News | The Good News –

Alyssa O'Neill has inspired a national campaign for kindness. Alyssa Josephine O'Neill was a normal, outgoing teenager, a cheerleader at her Erie, Pennsylvania high school, and was preparing for her freshman year at The Behrend College. She had been diagnosed with epilepsy in January 2012, but didn't let that stop her from enjoying her life.

On September 3, Alyssa texted her mom asking if they could go to Starbucks so she could try a Pumpkin Spice Latte for the very first time, but they never got the chance. The next day, the 18-year-old passed away from an epileptic seizure.

"We tried to think of something that we could do that would be a little bit positive," her father Jason O'Neill told us in a Skype chat. He and his wife, Alyssa's mother Sarah, went to their local Starbucks and bought Pumpkin Spice Latte for themselves, as well as the next 40 customers. All they asked of the baristas was that they write #AJO on the cups, and explain to the customers why their drink was free.

What they weren't expecting was that customers who received their drinks would respond the exact same way, by paying it forward. Soon enough, the O'Neill's #AJO campaign spread throughout their community, the country, and the world.




"Next thing you know, we hear about someone donating $600 at a different location," says Sarah. "It just spread like wildfire."

The acts of kindness in Alyssa's memory aren't limited to the seasonal beverage. The O'Neills hope that people will be inspired by this movement to do other good deeds to improve the lives of others.

"Just take the five minutes out of your day to do something nice," says Sarah. "It doesn't have to cost you a dime."

Says her father, "We'd like to pay it forward and try to make everybody a little bit of a better person, because that's what Alyssa did."

If you'd like to learn more about Alyssa and the O'Neills' campaign, visit ajoforever.com.

SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

9 Beliefs of Successful People

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I'm fortunate enough to know a number of remarkably successful people. Regardless of industry or profession, they all share the same perspectives and beliefs.

And they act on those beliefs:


1. Time doesn't fill me. I fill time.
Deadlines and time frames establish parameters, but typically not in a good way. The average person who is given two weeks to complete a task will instinctively adjust his effort so it actually takes two weeks.

Forget deadlines, at least as a way to manage your activity. Tasks should only take as long as they need to take. Do everything as quickly and effectively as you can. Then use your "free" time to get other things done just as quickly and effectively.

Average people allow time to impose its will on them; remarkable people impose their will on their time.


2. The people around me are the people I chose.
Some of your employees drive you nuts. Some of your customers are obnoxious. Some of your friends are selfish, all-about-me jerks.

You chose them. If the people around you make you unhappy it's not their fault. It's your fault. They're in your professional or personal life because you drew them to you--and you let them remain.

Think about the type of people you want to work with. Think about the types of customers you would enjoy serving. Think about the friends you want to have.
Then change what you do so you can start attracting those people. Hardworking people want to work with hardworking people. Kind people like to associate with kind people. Remarkable employees want to work for remarkable bosses.



Successful people are naturally drawn to successful people.


3. I have never paid my dues.
Dues aren't paid, past tense. Dues get paid, each and every day. The only real measure of your value is the tangible contribution you make on a daily basis.

No matter what you've done or accomplished in the past, you're never too good to roll up your sleeves, get dirty, and do the grunt work. No job is ever too menial, no task ever too unskilled or boring.

Remarkably successful people never feel entitled--except to the fruits of their labor.


4. Experience is irrelevant. Accomplishments are everything.
You have "10 years in the Web design business." Whoopee. I don't care how long you've been doing what you do. Years of service indicate nothing; you could be the worst 10-year programmer in the world.

I care about what you've done: how many sites you've created, how many back-end systems you've installed, how many customer-specific applications you've developed (and what kind)... all that matters is what you've done.
Successful people don't need to describe themselves using hyperbolic adjectives like passionate, innovative, driven, etc. They can just describe, hopefully in a humble way, what they've done.




5. Failure is something I accomplish; it doesn't just happen to me.
Ask people why they have been successful. Their answers will be filled with personal pronouns: I, me, and the sometimes too occasional we.

Ask them why they failed. Most will revert to childhood and instinctively distance themselves, like the kid who says, "My toy got broken..." instead of, "I broke my toy."

They'll say the economy tanked. They'll say the market wasn't ready. They'll say their suppliers couldn't keep up.

They'll say it was someone or something else.

And by distancing themselves, they don't learn from their failures.

Occasionally something completely outside your control will cause you to fail. Most of the time, though, it's you. And that's okay. Every successful person has failed. Numerous times. Most of them have failed a lot more often than you. That's why they're successful now.

Embrace every failure: Own it, learn from it, and take full responsibility for making sure that next time, things will turn out differently.


6. Volunteers always win.
Whenever you raise your hand you wind up being asked to do more.

That's great. Doing more is an opportunity: to learn, to impress, to gain skills, to build new relationships--to do something more than you would otherwise been able to do.
Success is based on action. The more you volunteer, the more you get to act. Successful people step forward to create opportunities.



Remarkably successful people sprint forward.


7. As long as I'm paid well, it's all good.
Specialization is good. Focus is good. Finding a niche is good.

Generating revenue is great.

Anything a customer will pay you a reasonable price to do--as long as it isn't unethical, immoral, or illegal--is something you should do. Your customers want you to deliver outside your normal territory? If they'll pay you for it, fine. They want you to add services you don't normally include? If they'll pay you for it, fine. The customer wants you to perform some relatively manual labor and you're a high-tech shop? Shut up, roll 'em up, do the work, and get paid.

Only do what you want to do and you might build an okay business. Be willing to do what customers want you to do and you can build a successful business.

Be willing to do even more and you can build a remarkable business.

And speaking of customers...


8. People who pay me always have the right to tell me what to do.
Get over your cocky, pretentious, I-must-be-free-to-express-my-individuality self. Be that way on your own time.

The people who pay you, whether customers or employers, earn the right to dictate what you do and how you do it--sometimes down to the last detail.

Instead of complaining, work to align what you like to do with what the people who pay you want you to do.

Then you turn issues like control and micro-management into non-issues.


9. The extra mile is a vast, unpopulated wasteland.
Everyone says they go the extra mile. Almost no one actually does. Most people who go there think, "Wait... no one else is here... why am I doing this?" and leave, never to return.

That's why the extra mile is such a lonely place.

That's also why the extra mile is a place filled with opportunities.

Be early. Stay late. Make the extra phone call. Send the extra email. Do the extra research. Help a customer unload or unpack a shipment. Don't wait to be asked; offer. Don't just tell employees what to do--show them what to do and work beside them.
Every time you do something, think of one extra thing you can do--especially if other people aren't doing that one thing. Sure, it's hard.




But that's what will make you different.

And over time, that's what will make you incredibly successful.

THE STORY OF BOB

The ''I Hate BOB,'' Story

---‘’I hate Bob.‘’ When we say that we hate someone…what (and who) is it that we are talking about? I would like to take a closer look at this. When we say this…I’d like to say that we are NOT accurate.

---’’I hate Bob.’’ Am I saying that I hate Bob OR, am I saying that I hate the way Bob acts. I hate the way Bob behaves. I may hate Bob’s attitude. I may hate Bob’s value system. But…when push comes to shove - I probably do NOT hate Bob.

---Actually, do I even know Bob, behind the ways he presents himself? I would say probably NOT. I would have to say that Bob is the being, the blank slate, that has these different values, attitudes and behaviors that I pin to him. I call this husk ‘’Bob’’ if you will.

---The funny thing about this is that Bob is different, dependent upon who you ask. Bob’s mother sees him different than his dad. His worst enemy sees him much different than his best friend. I asked his girl friend. I asked his preacher. Everyone I ask has a little different interpretation than each other…AND myself. Sometimes it gets so far out that I have to remind myself that it is the Bob that I know.

 

---If we look at the values, attitudes and behaviors by themselves we see that they are like coats we put on and take off. We see that ALL of us are pretty much ‘’naked’’ dressed in different values, attitudes and behaviors that make up the personality of this thing we call Bob, Jim, Mary and Karin. And sometimes - Paul.

---Any good psychologist will tell you that we are like an ONION that peels away one layer at a time. Eventually, usually after much peeling…we get to the heart of the matter.

 

---Bob is peeling, as we both are…as we ALL are. Actually, Bob has some pretty neat attitudes and behaviors that I find ‘’fun’’ and ‘’enjoyable’’ when we talk about computers. He has a way of putting the coats on and interpreting them that happens to educate and entertain me. Hanging with him all-of-the-time would be a little much. But, as a ‘’dressed husk’’ in small doses…we laugh a lot. Take Care.
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WELLNESS can be Motivation of the Value, Attitude and Behavior.  

THE EASIER YOU'RE SATISFIED...THE BETTER!

WALKING TOWARD WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE!

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever- expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

THIEF APOLOGIZES AFTER 11 YEARS!

Thief writes apology note & returns money for robbery 11 years later



Keosavanh X., owner of the InterAsian Market & Deli in Nashville, Tennessee, has never forgotten being robbed at gunpoint more than a decade ago. Recently memories of the crime resurfaced for Keosavanh and his son, Somboon W., when the elder owner received a mysterious envelope from a man who entered the store. Somboon said, “He was really insistent that we take this, that we had to take this.” Eventually the unidentified man told them that the delivery was important because it contained money. Feeling hesitant about the odd transaction, the family considered calling their lawyer before opening the envelope marked “Owner.”

Keosavanh finally opened the envelope and inside found a handwritten letter and four $100 bills. The letter was written by a man who said he was a drug addict when he robbed the store of $300 around 11 years ago. The anonymous apology stated, “I do not use drugs anymore and I feal [sic] I must make amends to the people I have hurt in the past.” The owners were floored saying, “It’s just, it’s amazing. It’s inspirational really, for somebody to have the courage, to come back and face the person you’ve done wrong… Even though um, it’s hard sometimes, we need to give people a second chance.” Somboon added, "If he's watching, wherever life takes you, just know that we, we forgive you for what you did."

The family was so touched by the apology that they decided to post the note on their store Instagram, Twitter and Facebook pages to ensure “Anonymous” would know he was forgiven. “Obviously he has, he has a great heart, but he just got caught up in a really, some bad situations,” said Somboon. “We feel for the guy and we, we just hope that, you know, that whatever he does after this, that it’s great things for him.”
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(Great Story)

WELLNESS